Song Haotang, Susan
#13-199, Block 4,XX Drive, Singapore XX
Contact: (65)-XX Email: XX@hotmail.sg
Jan 11, 2011
Human Resources, Morgan Stanley
#16-01 Capital Square, 23 Church Street
Singapore 049481
#16-01 Capital Square, 23 Church Street
Singapore 049481
Dear Sir/Madam,
This is regarding a career opportunity with Morgan Stanley Singapore, Summer Analyst Programme in Operations Division. I am a penultimate year Statistics student from National University of Singapore.
The following attributes of mine will make me a suitable candidate for your programme.
1. Analytical mind and excellent problem-solving skills
From years of intensive statistics training, I developed an analytical and systematic approach to new problems.
2. Communication skills
I am an enthusiastic and spontaneous person who enjoys interacting and collaborating with people. I have undergone diverse past experiences that allowed me to develop effective rapport and teamwork with others. I was the marketing secretary for NUS Harmonica Orchestra, where I worked with 52 external orgnisations and schools, including National Arts Museum and Library Board. Back in junior college, I was the ambassador of the annual PRC scholar recruitment and school exchange programme.
3. Ability to rapidly learn and grasp new knowledge
I am usually regarded as a fast learner. During my research attachment, I completed an independent research project with minimum supervision. I obtained various financial service certificates within one month despite the tide schedule of school examinations.
I am eager to immerse myself into this talent-intensive environment at Morgan Stanley. With my aptitude for learning, passion for winning and thirst for new knowledge, I am well prepared to take the duties and excel at Morgan Stanley.
Please consider my qualifications for Summer Analyst Programme in Operations Division. I can be reached at (65)92751460. I look forward to your correspondence to discuss my qualifications and qualities further.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Song Haotang, Susan
Hi Susan!
ReplyDeleteI think the most obvious mistakes here are the formatting errors, especially with the left margin. It might be a blogger formatting error but you might want to give it a check?
Other than that, I see you have taken a different approach by listing out your attributes in points. I feel that you need a more substantial example for your first point, as you have provided one for the second point.
Hi Vanessa,
ReplyDeleteThank you for pointing the mistake out! I have edited it.
I wanted to give some supporting evidence for my first point, too. But I could not come out with any. Maybe after I have done my final year project I can put something there.
Thanks!
Susan
Jinq Horng’s post disappeared!
ReplyDeleteHere is the copy which was sent to my email by blogspot.
Hi Susan,
IMHO these are some weak points in your post:
(a) "I believe the following attributes of mine could make..." doesn't make you sound confident. Try "The following attributes of mine will make..." instead.
(b) "a" suitable candidate
(c) "I am an enthusiastic and spontaneous person who enjoys..."
There shouldn't be problems splitting the sentence into two and replacing "who" with 'I'. In this case, after doing that, the second sentence becomes "I enjoys..."
(d) "I was usually regarded..."
You still are, right?
(e) Did you actually mean "tight" in "despite the tide schedule"?
(f) "talent intensive" should have a hyphen. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyphen#Compound_modifiers
Cheers,
Jinq Horng
Hi Jinq Horng,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your comment! I have edited several places.
For part (C), I did not change because I feel that I have too many sentences starting with an "I". It seems that I cannot come out with something different.
For part (e), I mean "tight", but I am not sure if my understanding of tight is correct. I mean my schedule was packed. Is there a better word?
Thanks a lot!
Susan